In it deep

I like being alone at home. It is very peaceful and you feel safe and secure as you never feel, when with anyone else, even if it is your significant other. Night-time alone at home is even better.

There is an exquisite irony in this: as your guard is lowest when you’re alone, the bad things always come to attack your mind.

Have you ever had something you believed that you excelled in, something that has always been one in which you could triumph, where effort has always been amply rewarded? I do.

Now I have doubt, not because of something that happened, but because of something that has not yet happened. It is always the waiting that is so abrasive. Rejection is hard, but there is something that you can do to help yourself through it and there are always other things to turn to.

Waiting, not knowing – these are the cracks through which doubt slips into, the soil in which it thrives and blooms into vile imaginings that poison your confidence and sense of self.

Doubt can be friend or foe, and sometimes both, but now, right now, it is Enemy. Even though I should and do know better than to let doubt take me.