Profiling Myself

Sometimes I feel bad for the people who actually click to view my profile, because...well, there just is not much for them to read or see over there.

I wanted to update it, really I did! But when I start to type something about me, nothing sounds quite right. How do you write something about yourself that is not too literal, but not too boring yet not too delusional or pompous?

I typed and deleted, and typed and deleted, and repeated said process for another three times before I threw my hands up in despair. Figuratively though - I have never been able to do that naturally although the phrase is such an enjoyable one to use.

And maybe this problem is related to a bigger one: namely, how well do you know yourself? Some people have claimed to know themselves very well, but I have never been able to claim that.

I am friendly with bits of myself, probably even intimate with those bits but there are some bits that I am barely civil to. Now before anyone jumps to call some psychiatrist to start analysing this sentence for fear that I am a headcase ready to chop up innocent bystanders, just think about it for a moment.

Can you say you know all of yourself, even those parts that have dark desires and impulses that you hide away carefully so that they don't jump out at the most inconvenient moments? I imagine it would be a bit tough to explain why you were delicately tracing the outline of your platonic friend's slender yet tough, long-fingered, capable-looking hands as you chat at a coffee bar; or to say why exactly some rather mean, racist jokes might still be funny to you.

It would take a brave soul to explore all the innermost recesses of their own mind and soul.

I am not a coward, but neither do I believe myself to be particularly courageous. I have too many faults to find a thorough examination of myself to be comfortable. I believe soul-searching is a necessary process, because how on earth do you assimilate the experiences you've gone through and evolve from what you were without undergoing this? Yet doing it all at one shot might literally send me at least into a crazy depression because it seems like I have barely moved beyond the homo-erectus stage of life.

So I think what I've been doing so far - looking at myself, bit by bit; changing a little here and there - might actually be the best road to seeing myself, and from there the world around me, more clearly.

Or maybe, just maybe, this is all just crap and nothing matters much except taking pleasure in the moment, the here and now.

Then again, in the immortal words of all exasperated friends and the Boy, I might just be thinking too much, too far.