RePlay!

So I was looking through some of my old stuff, and found this old blog post from a long time ago. But I think the stuff I talk about inside are still kinda relevant to me today i.e. I'm still confused over those topics! So I'm posting it again. People who've already read it, feel free to skip through!

Yesterday, I watched this Chinese show in which one of the characters said she wished things had turned out differently and if only this hadn't happened or that hadn't happened and this guy who was sort of in love with her - it's complicated and I have no intention of going into why he was sort of in love with her - told her that even if the situation had arisen again, the outcome would have remained exactly the same because the characters of each person involved would also have remained exactly the same.

This got me thinking. Yes, I do realise that it does seem as if only Chinese drama serials get me thinking. But you see, Chinese drama serials often have these psuedo-philosophical scenes and also, they are very "drama-mama" as one friend calls it. Besides, they are also very formulaic which allows for parallel commentary running through your brain even as you watch it.

The sentence caught me because I had been, in rather a desultory manner, I admit, pondering on the idea of consciousness and destiny and in that one sentence, the idea of character as destiny popped into my brain.

I dare say this is not a new concept by any means and if I did a search, I'd probably find tens, hundreds, thousands of folks who've already written treatises and stuff on it. Hell, the relation to the nurture-vs-nature debate is so close that I probably seem a right ass and maybe a left ass too for not having made the connection earlier.

Having said that, this little grain of an idea intrigues me. People often speak of time travel and say if they could go back in time, they would have done this and done that, changed this or changed that. Would they really have, if time travel was possible?

We often believe that we make decisions based on knowledge and rational, objective analysis of our knowledge. I don't think that it will be disputed, though, that no matter how logical we think we are, our emotions, preferences, prejudices and values always affect our final decisions.

And what are our characters if not these things? We are "a collection of physical, mental and physiological traits" and these traits pre-dispose us to favour certain options over others. Even if we know that a horrible outcome for us may be the result of choosing our preferred option, we may still choose that option precisely because our character traits demand it.

What I mean is this: X and Y have to choose between saving their money for a computer and to spend their money now for a night out on town with friends. Assuming X and Y have identical financial situations blah blah blah, the only thing that will influence them is their character. X would choose to go out with his friends because he feels that there's no point in having money if money doesn't do anything for you. Y would choose to save the money because he thinks that the money would be better off used for something more useful. But Z might choose to save half the money and use the other half for going out. Maybe two months later, they might get a small windfall - X will think the same and do the same, Y will think the same and do the same and Z will think the same and do the same.

Police can identify repeat offenders because these criminals have a signature that lead them to do certain things exactly the same. Girly magazines advise over and over and over again to change your mindset before you can change your life, your boyfriend, career dips, underwear preferences, whatever. The point is - we are "programmed" for lack of a better word - it's late! I'm sleepy! - to do the same things over and over because of our characters. Even if we had a chance to change any of our actions.

And how are our characters formed? This question is the heart of the nurture-vs-nature debate. If our characters are the main driving force behind our actions, it would mean that if we knew what builds characters, we could influence or even control actions. Going the next step down sort of scares me, particularly after I've recently read Aldous Huxley's "Brave New World" - if governments found out exactly how to build people's characters, change their thoughts, they could directly influence what society will be like.

Also, if we are, indeed, at the mercy of our own dispositions, then is there actually any of that free will thing that all er...religious persons *cough-Christian evangelists-cough* seem to love to talk about so much? I mean, I could say that God made me this way, so actually most of my free will is gone. Sure, there's the possibility of me choosing the other option, but it's not really very likely is it, since I'm already predisposed to preferring one of the options over the other?

Another thing: If we did choose things because our characters already gravitate towards one choice, then what happens to our learning capacity? I think this is where the definition of character comes in right? Our experiences influence and even define our values, prejudices, preferences et al, so our characters are ever-expandable and ever-changing. So with the inclusion of new experiences, our choices become changed.

HOWEVER, if so, then would the above become invalid? Would we become completely unpredictable as changes become wrought in us? This doesn't seem probable to me. In everyone, certain choices never change. Chocolate will always remain the preferred flavour of ice-cream lovers and yet others prefer vanilla. Some people will always be quick to anger, even as they learn to control that anger and some people will always have the patience of saints. Even these small examples suggest that some characters traits are enduring, if not permanent.

The thing is, do such traits have a stronger grip on our actions than the variable ones? And how do such traits come about? Are they really so long-lasting and unchanging?

I'm giving myself a headache.

Profiling Myself

Sometimes I feel bad for the people who actually click to view my profile, because...well, there just is not much for them to read or see over there.

I wanted to update it, really I did! But when I start to type something about me, nothing sounds quite right. How do you write something about yourself that is not too literal, but not too boring yet not too delusional or pompous?

I typed and deleted, and typed and deleted, and repeated said process for another three times before I threw my hands up in despair. Figuratively though - I have never been able to do that naturally although the phrase is such an enjoyable one to use.

And maybe this problem is related to a bigger one: namely, how well do you know yourself? Some people have claimed to know themselves very well, but I have never been able to claim that.

I am friendly with bits of myself, probably even intimate with those bits but there are some bits that I am barely civil to. Now before anyone jumps to call some psychiatrist to start analysing this sentence for fear that I am a headcase ready to chop up innocent bystanders, just think about it for a moment.

Can you say you know all of yourself, even those parts that have dark desires and impulses that you hide away carefully so that they don't jump out at the most inconvenient moments? I imagine it would be a bit tough to explain why you were delicately tracing the outline of your platonic friend's slender yet tough, long-fingered, capable-looking hands as you chat at a coffee bar; or to say why exactly some rather mean, racist jokes might still be funny to you.

It would take a brave soul to explore all the innermost recesses of their own mind and soul.

I am not a coward, but neither do I believe myself to be particularly courageous. I have too many faults to find a thorough examination of myself to be comfortable. I believe soul-searching is a necessary process, because how on earth do you assimilate the experiences you've gone through and evolve from what you were without undergoing this? Yet doing it all at one shot might literally send me at least into a crazy depression because it seems like I have barely moved beyond the homo-erectus stage of life.

So I think what I've been doing so far - looking at myself, bit by bit; changing a little here and there - might actually be the best road to seeing myself, and from there the world around me, more clearly.

Or maybe, just maybe, this is all just crap and nothing matters much except taking pleasure in the moment, the here and now.

Then again, in the immortal words of all exasperated friends and the Boy, I might just be thinking too much, too far.

Notes on a Laptop

Just an idle observation that I got as I was reading through some blogs that I missed out on while working. People stop blogging during the holidays but I START blogging then. Talk about topsy turvy…

I’m looking around for a new lappie right now. My beloved Fujitsu has come a long way with me from the time I bought it when I was a silly uni freshgirl afraid to tap too hard on its keyboard buttons up to now as a hopefully more mature office girlie who works in a teeny tiny cubicle. It’s actually still working great, with the exceptions of the occasional graphics problems, but the screen is starting to die and to replace the screen costs so much that I’ve made the decision to let my lappie go, and buy a new one. It actually hurts a bit to make this decision because I’ve become quite attached to it, but I know that I’ll soon be unable to do anything on it at all. A full 1/3 of the screen is darker than the other parts and the dying pixels are spreading – it’s almost like a cancer…

I’ve done a lot of research on what good specs and what mid-end specs are because I want to get the best bang for my buck. I am merely a poor office worker after all! And I haven’t even been working very long. Sadly I will not be able to get a new Fujitsu just because it costs far too much.

Here are my main tasks. I do lots of word processing tasks, and do some minor fiddling with some high-resolution graphics for work and play. I watch dvds, streaming movies and occasionally play games (mostly rpgs, not so much rts’s). I download lots of stuff, and save lots of stuff too, especially piccies from friends – my msn pic is from Principessa! I surf the net a lot – looking at lots of design stuff for work; looking at lots of news/current affairs/gossip/beauty/
fashion sites for leisure; playing lots of online games; and lots of chatting on instant messagers.

What I've garnered after endless internet research, stalking IT-inclined friends and obsessive reading and re-reading of editorial articles, reviews and forum posts, this is what I think I should be watching out for the following:

• A Core 2 Duo processor that's 2.0 or 2.2Ghz (T7000 series)
• at least 2GB of memory DDR2
• At least 160GB of hard disk space
• A discrete graphics card - so far, it looks like I should try for an Nvidia GeForce 8600 GS/GT or the new 8800 GTX if I can afford it
• wireless internet connectivity (duh!) - basic abg, but abgn is preferable
• DVD/RW drive - I think I really wouldn't need blu-ray etc etc.

The only thing is I don’t know if I should get something now, or if I should wait a little bit until after the New Year to get stuff. I had actually already resolved to get a specific Acer already, but another two lappies have caught my eye.

I’d actually like to get something by Jan 2008 but there is news that one of the laptops I’m eyeing may have better screen resolutions on offer in early 2008, though not necessarily in January. Choices, choices…If anyone has any ideas, feel free to let me know please!

Toughing it Out, All the Way

I was at Holland Village with the Boy when the headlines of a large stack of newspapers caught my eye. The staid black lettering of the broadsheet, published in bold caps, calmly announced that Benazir Bhutto had been assassinated.

I actually strolled past it a little bit before it actually sank in, and I actually gasped, stopped dead in the middle of that busy walkway and turned back to glare at the innocent newspapers. I couldn’t believe it.

I had read her autobiography as a gawky, frustrated teenager, and though I could see that, as most autobiographies are wont to do, it whitewashed her errors, gilded her successes and romanticised her and her nearest and dearest, Benazir Bhutto had impressed me. I cannot remember every bit of that book now as clearly as my teenage self could, but I remember thinking to myself that I must learn from her to be strong, tough and smart – and to do it all with grace, even if I may not be making great changes to history like her.

Benazir Bhutto swerved the course of her life and the world she lived in. She may not always have been respectable – the corruption charges come to mind – and she may not always have trodden a clear road; but even her death ignited a debate about power, its use and its mandates; about truth and the different perspectives each person has of it; and about terrorism and the need for a united resolution to its end. Benazir Bhutto would doubtless have had plenty to say.

I saw on a website that had voted her one of the 11 most influential women in the world for year 2007 this adage that they said particularly applied to her: “well-behaved women rarely make history”. I think I shall adopt this particular idiom for a while.

Quick Catch-up

Everyone’s been asking me if my blog is dead, but of course not! It’s merely that I’ve been so busy I just couldn’t update it. As Principessa Fiora says, our blogs are collecting dust for a while. Also, staring at a computer screen all day at work actually makes me feel NOT like doing the same at home; and I’ve too much to do to be blogging at work, though I rather doubt anyone would know what I’m doing given the nature of my work.

However, I am clearing some leave at the moment, so ta-da, here I am back again.

Lately I’ve been catching up on the blog of this one friend – let’s call her the Caped Crusader – who’s currently studying in Boston – lucky lucky woman. It’s snowing there now and CC hates the snow claiming it makes her bones freeze and is a pain in the ass to walk on – yep, I thought she could fly! Oh how we have been deceived. But even if she’d punch my eyes out, I still have to say that the snowy pictures she posts are nothing short of gorgeous.

And now that I’ve risked my life and am now living in fear of a death-glare from CC, let me move on in hopes of distracting her.

I quite quite like my job and, as Principessa Fiora said over our lovely Christmas dinner the other day, it’s amazing how one year ago, we were bitching and moaning about how miserable our work lives were. Principessa Fiora has this super prestigious marvellous job at a European embassy and wowee, she gets to go on business trips and see the world on company expense. That’s one part of her job that I envy, although it must be said that I would not change my jobs merely for a chance to travel. I like too many other parts of it!

My colleagues are a pretty nice bunch. We’re a pretty girly bunch, with slim clotheshorse J heading up our team and unofficial assistant head prim proper secretly wild-child Ms. G being the most experienced and longest-surving member of it. SR is the senior creative dude – funny silly guy who’s still pretty childish and oh, is a newly-wed. M is the creative dude that’s new to the team and has the same ridiculous, juvie sense of humour as SR, but mixed up with a little bit of other issues. There’s Agnes the official assistant head whom we pretty much detest – Agnes is of course merely a nickname we have for HIM. That’s right, Agnes is a man, and I foresee lots of whining, eye-rolling, teeth-gnashing stories centring on him and his petty stupid actions in future. Agnes didn’t use to be in our team, but his own project kinda died out though to be fair, it was not through any fault of his own. We got pretty much stuck with him since our project is related to his.

And – just an aside arising out of my irritability at the mailbox-clogging – is everyone on Facebook now and does everyone have to invite me on it and express shock, horror and a little bit of bemusement that I am not on and refuse to be on Facebook, or MySpace or any other of those social networking sites?? I did use to have a Friendster account, but I only went in once and have never ever gone back in.

I think I shall let this entry end on this note – seems like we’ve come full-circle in my admitting to yet another web application I signed up for and never used. The regular use of webmail must be my greatest web accomplishment.